I'm so cold: leave the lights on ramble

Hi! Naarel here again! Did you miss me? Probably not, because I literally don't give you time to rest. This should be shorter than the let the lights bleed ramble, in fact, I think this ramble is not as necessary as the previous one, but I need to talk because I unfortunately really like to make my thoughts known. So, let's get into it, shall we? Same trigger warnings as for the game apply, in addition to mentions of sexual abuse and addiction.

Whole damn background, again

I know, I know. "Naarel, you said that the story is over and done. Naarel, you are such a liar". I know. The Lights trilogy was meant to be just one thing, and it's clearly not, since I'm writing a whole devlog for another one. I feel like a 2010s YA author.

But I just woke up and thought: it can't end like this. Narrator needs to get out of it. And with this, I could push further into the exploration of the mindset introduced in the first game. 

See, many pieces of media I encountered, both now and when I was growing up, focused a lot on two things when it came to abuse in relationships. There was, of course, the traditional portrayal of actual abuse happening, in more or less detail, and then there was the aftermath of the abuse, if the survivor was even, well, alive after the first step. I remember reading all the "that's it, I won't take this anymore" and heroic scenes of running away, then, the peace that comes with not having to be in danger anymore, coupled with trying to get your life back on track. Maybe some PTSD in the mix. The character could have doubts before, but after the great escape, it was always a clean cut, full rationality and no feelings mode of "they were hurting me and I will never be back".

For a long time, I thought this is just how things are. That once you realize someone is hurting you, or you arrive at a point where you can't take it anymore, you take your things and leave, and all the feelings disappear instantly. But then I got myself into similar situations and started experiencing something that no work of fiction I read before could prepare me for: missing the people who hurt me. And certainly, nothing could prepare me for the thoughts that followed: the thoughts that I should go, apologize, beg them for forgiveness and just... put up with whatever they wanted to do with me. All of them, after all, had their problems, and I'll be honest, I'm no saint either when it comes to hurting others, so perhaps... perhaps I was the bad guy and imagined myself hurt while hurting others. Don't narcissists do that? Am I a narcissist? Were they right about me, am I a bad person? If I'm a bad person, aren't they doing me a favor by being with me, since nobody else will?

We live in the world of victim blaming and just world hypothesis. If I haven't done anything wrong, I clearly wouldn't feel bad. I wouldn't be alone if I did everything right. I wouldn't be hurt if I did everything right. So all of the pain must be deserved.

Of course, I started reading up on things later on in life and realized that this is just a part of the process. While some people might not experience it, some do. I did. I know people who went back to their abusive exes because of this exact thought process. People don't really understand the internal turmoil that happens with it all and assume that you're stupid for doing this, and this comes with moral judgement. It lessens the pain you went through in people's eyes, because it clearly couldn't have been this bad if you came back. 

So, when I woke up on the next day after let the lights bleed's premiere with the thought that this isn't over, this was where my mind went to. I never wrote about this before. I think I repressed that part of my life, probably because it doesn't fit the image of a perfect victim. But I'm unpacking things now (and reaching closure, in some parts), and this unfortunately comes with stumbling upon parts you buried deep. So I envisioned a three act journey: from the horror, through the emptiness, to peace. Red, blue, green, as an allusion to RGB color model, not to mention the symbolic value.
(By the way, the Lights trilogy isn't the only RGB series on Neo-Twiny Jam 2024. It's kind of funny how we came up with the concept independently, so, give the RGB Cycle a go, it's pretty interesting).

The experience itself

I know what you're thinking. "Naarel, you idiot. It's Red, Green, Blue, not Red, Blue, Green!" Yeah. But it wouldn't go well with the symbolic point of it all. Blue, like red in the part before, has a double meaning. On one hand, of course, it's the color of cold and depression; we say that we feel blue, after all. But on the other hand, this is the color of peace and tranquility. 

Narrator is free now; Partner left after Narrator finally demanded to be treated, well, properly. You could say that this should bring them peace, but it doesn't; Narrator is now cold and empty, both mentally and physically. And in the end, this is what pushes them to think that they made a mistake by finally standing up for themselves. Partner may be gone - and they won't be returning, don't you worry about it - but just as their presence ruined Narrator, their absence feels painful as well. 

Itch offers you a way to call projects you upload whatever you want. It will default to "game" if you don't set up the custom noun (so, it will show "Run game" or "Support this game"). The custom noun for let the lights bleed was "dissociation", for obvious reasons. For leave the lights on, it's "withdrawal", since this is how withdrawals work like too once you decide that you're over with whatever you were addicted to. You'll want to go back, even if you know that the whole thing is objectively bad for you, and just like with withdrawals, there is a mental and physical component to it. There will be moments of weakness and they might be absolutely unbearable. This is where Narrator is right now.

I was talking to many people after let the lights bleed came out; I talked to them about the story and my experiences that led to it (and managed to get closure on certain things in the process). And during one of those talks, the phrase body has its needs came up (though in a different context). And, yeah. It does, at least in Narrator's case. People who were objectified or sexually abused in any way are often expected to turn absolutely asexual and sex-repulsed by what they went through, but it's not what happens to everyone, and I think it's dangerous to make people believe that this is the only outcome, especially since hypersexuality can also be a result of those. Narrator is still a human being with a human body that wants sex, and there's nothing wrong with that; however unhealthy the thoughts that come from this may be, the desire itself is not a moral failure or a sign that they weren't hurt. 

So generally, this part was meant to focus on the big paradox of getting out of abusive situations: the fact that you can miss the person who hurt you and you can miss the things that were misused against you. It was written mostly to maybe shine a different light (heh) on the in-between process, the one I haven't seen a lot when I needed it. 

Onto more technical stuff. The background! Prepare for me to be really pretentious on main for a second. It is, just like the previous time, a processed picture of the lights I have in my room. While in let the lights bleed we saw the bottom corner, symbolizing Narrator's, uh, position, literally and metaphorically, in leave the lights on, we have the top corner instead, since there's nobody over them anymore. They're both also on the left; get it? Because in let the lights bleed, Narrator leaves their body, and in leave the lights on, Partner leaves Narrator? Left? Leave? Get i- nevermind.

Music! Remember the spooky "alarm siren" sound from let the lights bleed? I took it verbatim, changed the instrument, did some minor adjustments, changed the BPM from 69 to 80 (completely arbitrary decision by the way), and there we had it. It's just one instrument compared to the more advanced track from let the lights bleed to better convey the feeling of loneliness. It kinda sounds... icy? It sounds cold to me, in many ways. It's just this, echoing. You're alone. Good luck with this shit now. 

The interactive part! In comparison to let the lights bleed, Narrator deviates from the "mantra" format in some places here. While in let the lights bleed. "It's just a body" was both something they told themselves and had their Partner reinforce in them, in leave the lights on, "I'm so cold" is more of an intrusive thought, replaying over and over. As I was writing it, I assumed that behind every "I'm so cold" hides a myriad of other thoughts, ones that are more ruthless and horrifying, ones about unhealthy remedies to Narrator's situation, filled with desperate search for even a tiny bit of warmth they could get in worst places possible. I won't be getting into them, but you can fill this gap in your head however you like. Desperation gets you to horrible places.

I think I'm done?

So, thank you for reading this one, for playing this game, for being here, all that jazz. All that's left for me is to write the Green Light part - the one focused on the somewhat happy ending for Narrator. This will be the hardest part, paradoxically, for many reasons I won't be disclosing in this devlog. So, yeah. I hope I'll see you there when it'll come. 

Thank you for playing the game. Remember that missing someone who hurt you doesn't lessen your pain. Remember that you don't deserve to be hurt. You really don't.

The weather's still kicking my ass so I won't be lingering here any longer. See you in the last part. Take care.

Yours, Naarel